I've divided this helpful how-to guide into two sections, one for the males of the species and one for the females.

Gentlemen:

1. Deploy.

2. Aim.

3. Fire.

Read on to understand why the rest of us hate you a little bit.

Ladies:

A piss in the woods is something you can be deeply proud of. Even the more seasoned among us had to perfect the low and dry whiz at some point.

I myself haven't blinked at the ol' drop-drop-and-drip for a decade or so, since I first traveled in countries where squat toilets are the norm. But, looking back at those early attempts, I can see definite improvements in technique.

Also, some special factors come into play in the great outdoors.

Location

In the woods, three points are important: Coverage, surface and proximity to water.

For coverage, seek out some sort of barrier from the trail or any other traffic. All-around coverage is too much to hope for. If you do find it, consider your company -- namely, mosquitoes. Move fast in this situation.

Consider the splashback potential of your target surface. Rock can be unpredictable at close range. A trough between boulders helps, but your privacy in any such area will amount to "Guys, please don't peek."

Pee at least 200 feet from a water source.

Stance

Your impulse to Larry-Craig this maneuver only works if you fully remove your pants and underwear. I think that is too much trouble, especially where coverage is limited. But the golden gate is yours to do with what you wish.

For a basic squat pee, lower pants and underwear to the knee or just above. Keep your feet at a comfortable width for stability -- maybe a skosh wider than your shoulders. Your top priority is not falling into your puddle.

After hunching down, I lean my upper body forward onto my knees, which helps me balance and encourages the faucet to aim downward rather than forward.

Drippage control

Once you have location and position down, it's time to confront the real enemy: surface tension. It's not a straight shot for us. Adhesion is a bitch that must be dealt with.

Your instinct may be to pee as hard as possible to streamline things. Given the risk of splashback, this is not recommended unless you are peeing into snow.

You can bring TP, but have an extra baggie to store the used stuff. Pack it in, pack it out.

Some ladies accept that a couple of droplets on the drawers is not so abhorrent, especially with wicking underwear. I learned to skip the TP, but my standards do rise above unregulated deluge.

If you aren't using your hands for balance or to hold up the crotch of baggy pants, you can reach behind yourself and separate what needs separating. For this, use hand sanitizer before AND after. No need to go poking around your ya-ya with dirty paws just because you're in the wild.

Finally, a simple fanny shake or squat bounce can help dry things off and provide five-star entertainment for anyone who circumvents your coverage provisions.

Good luck, stay hydrated and feel free to share any tips of your own.

For more Utah adventures and musings, check out Erin's blog: Poorpenmanship.com.